“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” – Frank Herbert, Dune.
I guess this is as good a start as any. Start with the end, because starting with “There was once a very old kid who chose death because life became too much of a burden to carry around and having its face rubbed in it every day became unbearable” has been done too many times before. Different heroes, same old story.
I will talk instead of death itself, my old friend who keeps waving and smiling at me only from afar. It is only fitting, it’s a friend’s job to make you feel safe, and peaceful. But I have no such friends, so peace has never been on the menu for me, and safety – or the illusion of – always came at a price. And what friend charges for their service, right? So I will have to stalk Death and, being kicked out of the door, break in through the window because I need that peace. Oh, don’t feel sorry for me, I’ve always given as hard as I took, and I’ve done my share of very bad things. Such is life, like a gang, requiring you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do just to stay in the game. To quote Neil Gaiman, it is a rigged game, but it’s the only one in town. And my old friend Death rejected me every time, so I have to hang out with crooked players.
But I’m rambling. What I wanted to get to is that I don’t fear Death. I don’t even begrudge it, even though it’s treated me so badly. I pine for it, my escape, my home and the only friend I know for sure will never let me down, if only I show it how much I want it. Why are so many people intimidated by death when they seem to rush into allegedly permanent relationships? Okay, it has a dark sense of humor and it’s no stranger to irony, but then what would you call the fakeness of life? No, I will choose death, thank you very much. It’s real. What you see is what you get, every time. Life always tries to con you in one way or another, death is honest. I can hide away in velvety black folds and sleep a dreamless sleep. I can be myself and not be judged for it. I don’t have to meet or exceed anybody’s expectations, kiss ass for every disappointing review, I can just be. What’s not to like?
But that comes at a price also. The price you charge the people who care to have you around. The people you could possibly, at some point, perhaps help. Make life a little nicer place for them to be in. So then you have to ask yourself, are you really doing them a service? Or are you just helping them run the hamster wheel?
Incredible as it sounds, I know such people. Well, I know one, my boyfriend, whom I love more than death, who would really be different if I dumped Life in pursuit of peace. If you ask me, he would be happier without me, with somebody normal who would love him as much as I do, but who could offer him so much more than I ever could. Ignorance is bliss, and he could be happy. Such is my dilemma. To give him what he asks for, or to give him what I think it’s best for him?
It’s fair to say that this keeps me up at night, trying to divine the best path. I know what would be best, but I couldn’t rest knowing that he resents me. That he couldn’t let go and would measure everyone against me, even though pretty much anyone else would fare better than me. But then it’s not fair to them either, trying to compete with an illusion. I mean, how do you compete with an idea? Have you seen Inception?
Decisions, decisions… And in the meantime I have to play pretend in a bad C-movie with atrocious actors, big empty egos and no one taking responsibility for anything. Be part of a sick joke without a punchline for the sake of somebody who deserves so much better than a broken spirit.
Anyways, this is my problem to deal with, and I only write it down as an apology to anyone who didn’t get me, or who found me distracted. It’s not you, it’s me. I had other things on my mind when I was looking through you and not listening to what you spoke at me. It was a matter of life and death.
I think we all know how this movie is going to end. I’ve come far from the gutter, and at least I know I offered some free entertainment to anyone who cared to watch. I’d hope you got the joke, but I doubt it. Still got a few laughs out of it though, so it’s all good.
In the meantime, every day is decision time. Even for a master procrastinator, there comes a time when you can’t ignore it anymore. I hope you enjoy the show.